Developing Responsibility with Effective Discipline

The Operating Manual for the Self tm

Developing Responsibility with Effective Discipline

As parents we seek to teach our children how to take responsibility for their actions, while at the same time practicing effective discipline. Discipline is teaching our children appropriate behavior and requiring cooperation; cooperation with reasonable parental expectations and requests for changes in behavior. As parents we help our children see that there are consequences to their behavior; logical consequence imposed by parents and natural consequence which occur from the child’s physical and social environment. We help our children modify their behavior in response to these consequences. In addition we use I messages to help our children understand their impact on us as people. Finally, the concept of “who owns the problem” helps to clarify responsibility and impact, impact upon the self and upon others.

  • Responsibility – Definition: Responsibility is accepting that what happens to us in our lives (consequences) results from the choices we make.
    • Responsibility = Choice + Consequences
    • We avoid responsibility out of
      • Fear of being wrong or blamed.
      • Fear of punishment.
      • Fear of being put down.
    • Child owns the problem – natural consequences
    • Parent owns the problem – polite requests, “I” messages, logical consequences, natural consequences
  • Responsibility and Problem Handling:
    • Who owns the problem, the child or parent?
      • With whom is the behavior directly interfering?
      • Who is raising the issue or making the complaint?
      • Whose purposes are being thwarted?
  • “I” Messages
    • When you leave your dishes out, I feel angry because after a long day at work I am tired. I would like you to remove your dishes from the table. Thank you.
  • Natural Consequences
    • Definition: The results that naturally occur from an action without parental intervention.
    • When the child owns the problem the parent is supportive.
  • Logical Consequences
    • Discipline. Definition: Those results that a parent deliberately enforces to show a child what logically follows when they violate family rules or social requirements.
    • Give the teen a choice – either/or, when then.
    • Make sure the consequence is logical.
    • Ask the teen for suggestions.
    • Give choices you can live with.
    • Keep your tone firm and friendly.
    • Give the choice once, then act.
    • Expect testing.
    • After consequence is imposed, restore privileges.